The Bubble Bath Band Aid
There’s a new way to mother the new mother - and it has nothing to do with bubble baths. Mothering the new mother is a term used by birth professions that describes how friends, family and professionals nurture and support a new mother as they navigate the intense postpartum transition. It can include meal preparation, running errands, providing nurturing support and information (and yes sometimes time in the bath for mom while the postpartum doula watches over her newborn).
But here’s the problem - it’s reliant on access to resources that may be unattainable for many at the moment.
We're missing a big part of the picture, that is the ability for new mothers to cultivate nurturing, mothering feelings towards ourselves so we have more resources to navigate postpartum - with or without outside help. Seems like a no brainer but it’s not something taught in parenting classes. That’s not to say there isn’t a huge amount of value in having support around you in the postpartum - there absolutely is. But if you’re a birth professional and you’re not helping parents cultivate their inner resources as well as external support then the families we serve are missing out.
Cultivating Self Compassion
What do I mean when I talk about ‘inner resources’ - it’s the practice of self-compassion. It is the ability to treat yourself with the same nurturing care that you give to your newborn without hesitation and without judgement. This the real meaning of self care - the bubble baths and massages are temporary band-aids.
But for most people reading this blog generating nurturing feelings towards ourselves can be really hard. It is not a habit we have cultivated. In fact we have been practicing less than nurturing thoughts about ourselves for most of our lives. As an experiment, notice how you speak to yourself today especially if you make a mistake. See how nurturing your response is to yourself and then tell me that you are already well versed in self compassion. Were the words you heard ones you would use towards your newborn, a sick relative, a friend in distress? So the first step to self compassion is awareness, it’s about noticing the tone and language we use in our inner monologue all day every day. Mindful awareness of how we speak to ourselves is the first step to accessing these unlimited resources that we have within.
Self compassion practices intentionally engage the soothing system of the brain releasing oxytocin and reducing stress. It is a life changing, transformative practice that every new parent should be taught. If I had my way we’d start mindfulness and compassion practices ideally in school. Our kids are growing up knowing math but have no idea how their mind works and how to make it an ally rather than an enemy.
Imagine how different your life would be if you truly believed you were worthy of your own love.
Probably the biggest issue with compassion practices is the word compassion is associated with fluffy feelings and words like ‘self love’ makes a lot of people very uncomfortable. Maybe you’re feeling it right now. But it makes no sense - how can you be expected to be compassionate to anyone else if you limit your own compassion towards yourself.
The practice of self compassion is not easy, it can be painful, but it’s far from weak or fluffy, it’s an act of courage and it can bring up very challenging feelings (known as a ‘backdraft’). Christopher Germer writes - “When we give ourselves unconditional love we discover conditions under which we were not loved”. Read that again…how does that land for you?
When you say to yourself “may I accept myself” - you will remember times when you didn’t accept yourself or when others didn’t accept you. You might know the word backdraft as a firefighting term, backdraft is caused by the sudden introduction of air into a fire that has depleted most of the available oxygen in a room or building. When you start the practice of self compassion these emotional explosions happen…and you move through them with kindness. What you find on the other side is life changing.
Love reveals everything unlike itself - Marianne Williamson
If your self care activities don’t include a self compassion practice that bubble bath is a band aid - a temporary fix. Your self compassion practice would make time in your bath a very different experience. You could luxuriate in that deliciously warm water knowing you are worthy of this time, that you are deserving of rest instead of feeling guilty as the never ending list of to dos grow. And that goes for every single self care activity, you get to enjoy that experience more fully than ever before - body, heart and mind.
Begin today by just noticing.
Notice how you speak to yourself.
Notice what you believe about yourself.
Notice the unnecessary stress generated by your thoughts about yourself.
Try the Self Compassion practices in the GentleBirth App today - your future self will thank you.
If you’re a birth professional and are interested in learing about the science of compassion and the benefits for you and your clients start with the wonderful work of Kristen Neff GentleBirth takes a brain science approach to pregnancy wellness and prepares parents for a positive birth - as they define it. Mindfulness, Hypnobirthing, compassion practices and more support your clients for optimal emotional health.
I’m really keen to hear your experiences of starting a self compassion practice. Let’s talk more.
Tracy