You Don't Get a Medal for Not Having an Epidural - Understanding The 'Medal' Mentality?
Yesterday first time Mum Kelley Pectu was interviewed on Ireland’s national morning show ‘Ireland AM’ about her experience of giving birth during the pandemic.
For context - at the moment in Ireland birth partners aren’t being admitted into the birth suites until active labour (around 4cm)*** So add together - a pandemic…. a couple of other bumps in the road, and hours spent without her partner Kelley managed to have an unmedicated birth that she described as life changing. Watch the interview here
After the link to the video was posted the comments about ‘mom shaming’ ‘no medals for going without’ and ‘all that matters is a healthy delivery’ began. What was supposed to be a feel good piece to inspire and reassure expectant parents that there are things they can proactively do to reduce the fear and suggestions to help them build a labour toolkit to stay home longer (a good idea in a pandemic) didn’t land that way for a lot of mothers. As you’ll see in the interview Kelley herself was open to using all of the tools in her toolkit including an epidural which is one of the reasons GentleBirth is so inclusive (and why we have 2 epidural sessions in the app.
What’s Behind the Medal Mentality?
I don’t know why Kelly’s experience seemed to annoy so many but I do know the mind is tricky - even on a good day.
When we are triggered by a piece of content or any stressful event our rational ‘thinking’ brain has left the building. It’s offline. What’s left to carry on the conversation or online discussion is the emotional brain that has now ramped up several levels due to the perception of being attacked. The brain responds to that ‘attack’ automatically without considering whether it’s real or imagined. The brain evolved for survival not to live happy contented lives. We are literally wired to be on the look out for threats every moment of our waking lives and even more so as we are bombarded with stressful news several times a day through social media/radio etc at the moment.
So why does someone watching or listening to a stranger’s birth story feel personally attacked and their personal choices challenged? In that moment when the emotional ‘limbic’ brain is running the show we literally have no choice - we at the mercy of that unpredictable, triggery emotional brain. But there are ways to soothe that flighty frighty mind. As parents learn in the GentleBirth approach you don’t have to keep letting the limbic brain hold you hostage and yank you around so you spiral into those stressful emotions. The stress response leaves us very ‘me’ centered…it’s almost impossible to consider anyone else’s feelings in those moments by starting to be curious about how our minds work parts of the brain that are associated with compassion for ourselves and for others are activated. With a little practice you can see more clearly…and realise that our reactions have little to do with Kelly and her experience but us believing that our thoughts about ourselves and others are facts.
Things You Can Do?
The RAIN framework can be so useful when working with difficult emotions.
R - Recognise that you’re feeling upset right now. Take a few slow breaths - this helps restore the parasympathetic nervous system and bring the rational brain back on line so you can take care of yourself.
A - Allow and accept all emotions even the difficult ones.
I - Investigate …..with a very curious and extra kind attitude and investigate what it was about Kelly’s story that was annoying/upsetting. Notice any ‘stories’ that your mind brings up about your birth experience. Mentally enquire with questions like “Why do I feel the way I do?” “Is there anything that happened today that might have influenced it (sleepless night with a toddler).
Nurture - What can you do now to nurture and support yourself while these emotions settle.
A curious and kind attitude to all of our emotions can help us start to see patterns of thought that might be causing us unnecessary stress which then leaves more headspace for more joy in our lives.
Final Musings
We don’t tend to see these reactions to marathon runners. I’m in awe of their fitness, their commitment to their daily training and incredible mental focus that they’ve worked so hard for as well as how they cope with injuries, the weather etc. That’s how I see parents who are using the GentleBirth approach, they are trying to stack the odds in their favor of having the best experience possible as they define it during incredibly difficult times - with or without medication in hospital or at home.
How strange would it be to see posts questioning their motives for sharing their marathon success…that it was to shame non runners…or that they’re gloating thinking they’re better than anyone. Parents planning and preparing for a positive birth - as they define it - and those marathon runners aren’t doing it for anyone else but themselves.
Considering an unmedicated birth?
https://blog.gentlebirth.com/home/dont-just-hope-for-a-natural-birth-train-for-one
Did you see the interview? What did you think?
***Thankfully they consider it around 4cm and not 6cm which is now considered the active phase***