Powerful Positive GentleBirth
The Birth of Airle O'Dálaigh
The lead up...
Starting from around 31 weeks I started to experience Braxton hicks. Easter day to be exact was my first experience of them. I found them strange, as I had not had them in my first pregnancy. With my first son I had went into labour at 36weeks. So in my mind, although I know ‘no pregnancy is the same’, I admit I expected to go early again.
This concerned me slightly as I knew I had to make it to 37 weeks if I wanted my homebirth to go ahead. So I was being mindful to stay calm and relaxed and keep my legs crossed. But little did I know going early was not going to be a problem, I would in the end go 3 days over. So to give those of you who'll read this an understanding of where my mindset was at about my gestational age…, when I hit 32weeks I felt 36weeks. When I turned 40, to my ultimate disbelief, I felt extremely overdue! So yes, ridiculous but no matter how much I logically told myself, that there was no way of knowing, I started to struggle with impatience far too early...
The three weeks leading up to the birth I had contractions practically every night and even some days but always amounting to nothing. I found it disappointing and mentally exhausting. I was going for a HSE homebirth and to say I felt that being threatened, once I hit the 40weeks, was an understatement. I really wanted my home birth and as the calendar flicked onto week 40 I felt slight panic wave over me that after all the hoping and visualisation of my homebirth that I may find myself in hospital after all. (You must go into labour between 37wks and 40+14 if you want to birth at home under the HSE) My window was beginning to close and I couldn't help feel my dream of homebirth slipping away. Yes, this seems dramatic but my desire to birth at home was strong especially during covid pandemic as I love to birth but in no world did I love the idea of laboring for a second without my husband. It's very much so a team effort and I knew I wanted my partner Oisín there for every minute.
So I then hit 40+1 and lay in bed wondering and just swimming in the unknown and being present with my feelings of this being an element I had no control over.
I knew I could try natural induction methods but I found myself slow to for some reason… Ultimately I think my instincts and gut wanted or knew I needed to let him come...come when he was ready. This was a major personal challenge as I would class myself as someone who likes to be in control but I felt a life lesson being taught to me and although it made me uncomfortable I knew I must learn to let go. I told myself in those solitary moments that if I could truly except these feeling "I bet then he'll come". As if my baby was making me show true surrender before he graced me with his presence. Some would say silly to think such things but when you are feeling so at the mercy of your body and baby you start leaning into the fact that it is all down to mind body connection and speaking to yourself honestly on so many levels in order for labour to initiate.
The moon rose again and another night of light pains passed. 40+2... I wasn't impressed... I was doing my Gentlebirth hypnobirthing tracks every night and morning. Listening to the positive induction track and doing body scans meditation and patience meditations. I was remaining active, lists of all my efforts ran through my head. That morning as always I did my hypnobirthing track, had a shower...there was no fighting the fed up feeling in my chest. I tried to put a positive spin but nope I needed a purge and there was no avoiding it, I burst. Bawling crying, I gave out about everything and anything and admitted it was ‘silly to feel this impatient and I know I'm only 2 days over’ but what I was feeling was being full term for the first time, tired, big, my homebirth window slowly closing, not accepting the fact that I had hit the 40's digits, not being in control of when he'd come and also having to start mentally preparing for hospital incase that was going to be how it all unfolded in the end.
So I let myself have my moment, talked to my husband, my sister and my best friend and took a big deep breath and shook it all out and said “right that's that”.
My husband suggested going for a big walk to Dromore Woods to turn the day around. So that’s what we did and I exhaled it all out and it was no longer how I felt. I was back on track, back on my positivity buzz and, willingly, once again I was waiting patiently.
On reflection I don’t think I would ever have felt that level of impatience only for the persistent prodromal labour I had been experiencing for 2 or 3 weeks leading up to the birth. It made it very difficult to ignore as you were always made question "is this it?" After our lovely walk we came home, Oisín put Lúan to bed and we had a lovely evening with my sister in law (living with us at the moment) watching Australia Masterchef as I bounced on my ball and Oisín gave me my usual back and leg massage. A ritual I had become very fond of.. We all joked once more "oh tonight now he'll come" because this that or the other and off to bed we all went.
This is it…
The sun came up on Saturday 5th of June and I could hear the residents of the tree outside our bedroom window starting to tweet and chirp and I thought "god they are so loud they'll wake Lúan and sure enough up Lúan popped saying his usual " it's morning time Mama!."
Oisin hopped up with him, as he had been doing since he got holidays to allow me to get an extra injection on sleep each morning. My routine once they were gone out of the room was to put on my Gentlebirth track and snuggle up and doze and drift back off to sleep. Before they left the room I did my usual report to Oisin that I had had light pains all night but nothing strong enough to "write home about". He asked should we let our midwife know but I said that it was far too light and I'd see if they continued.
He kissed my head and said "baby will come when baby comes" a lovely sentiment an old school Nigerian Doctor had said to us when we were pregnant with our first. He was a beautiful character and we've always quoted him since.
So I did the same as I usually did when they had left the room (7am) but unusually I wasn't asleep by the time my hypnobirthing track was finished playing. I was lovely a dozy and felt so relaxed sprawled out in my bed. I felt myself floating in and out so I turned on my labor and birth playlist I had made for birthing as I wanted to prime myself with the same music that I would listen to when I was in labour. One of my favourite comfort measure, music! Alexi Murdoch started to serenade me and I swished and swooned in and out of sleep. My train of thought went to hospital and I felt myself surrender to that if that was where we were destined to birth that I was ok with it. I was too relaxed to care anymore and I told myself I'd be okay…
This conversation with myself was spurred on by the fact that days earlier my midwife reluctantly informed myself and Oisin that Sunday there was no homebirth midwife to cover me so if I went tomorrow I would have to birth in hospital. I said in a whisper to my baby "if your going to come today it would be great if you could get it started early" I smirked sleepily to myself, eyes closed, as I imagined a dialogue between us discussing how he'd come now in the next hour. Next I had a little rational realisation that these super light niggles were still there and for the first time I considered the fact that they were the most persistent and longest length of time these pains had stuck around so far and I felt a unsolicited taste of hope... but they would need to get stronger I thought if I was to believe they were anything "real".
One of my favourite midwives, Ina May Gaskin, came into my head and something she mentions in her books, nipple stimulation to help establish contractions. I thought sure "why not" so lying there all sleepy and relaxed I just, with not much effort or technique, pinched and played with my nipple. Within a minute the light barely noticeable pains I had been experiencing had me rise to my knees and then I found myself on all fours on the bed as I felt my first intense surge!
I immediately once this subsided felt like I needed to pass stool so I went to the toilet. Slightly worried it was just a wind cramp and coincidence I got on the toilet but on wiping I realised I had lost my plug! Two signs! Oh my sweet god "this is it?!" I thought with slight reservations. I left my room to walk up the hall to the sitting room to let Oisin know that "thunderbirds are go" (9.30am) I said "let's time one or two before ringing the midwife" but I didn’t even make it back to the room before another one came. We timed one but it was clear that they were coming fast and hard. So I rang my midwife but had to hand Oisin the phone to tell her the story as I already needed to focus and didn't feel like I could successfully chat. I think this was enough to let our midwife know she needed to leave right away.
Once that surge was over and Oisin was off the phone we set about getting the pool up and ready. Lúan and Oisin got straight down to it and pumped up the pool. I had two slices of peanut butter and jam toast and tea and tidied up around the room in between surges. By the time Oisin and Lúan had the hose in the pool I found myself by the window. Lúan every now and then gave me hugs telling me he loved Mama. I braced myself again by holding the windowsill and looking out my window into my garden while a surge engulfed me. I starred and focused and went back to my imaginary dialogue with my baby. I was getting my homebirth and I thanked him for his divine and incredible timing! As I braced myself a little fox ran across our lawn, his spirit animal perhaps, I felt that animal sensibility within myself and felt it profound that a fox had passed at that moment. “Sionnach" I said to myself considering middle names…
My midwives arrived in what felt like no time at all (11.30am) the pool was filling away and at this point I was on my ball. My first midwife just checked my blood pressure etc. and checked in with baby via Doppler. We both were doing great. It was exciting we rejoiced together that he had decided to come perfectly on time for us to have a homebirth! There was a buzz in the air and I liked it!
The midwives got all their bits and bobs ready (just in case) and informed the ambulance service I had gone into labour. So they were on stand by. I during this time was laughing and joking with Oisin, having cuddles with Lúan and looking out my window at the nearby lake.
Surges came and went. For not one moment did I feel anything but happiness, calmness and readiness.
I was so grateful in those moments. The pool was still filling and I was coping with the surges by bouncing on the ball as Oisin rubbed my shoulders but swiftly this wasn’t enough. My labour was progressing I could tell I began to need to stand and lean on my bed while Oisin applied counter pressure and double hip squeezes. The double hip squeeze helped so much that every time from then on I flagged Oisin by raising my finger as the signal for him to get squeezing! This wasn’t something we planned it this communication just happened but Oisin knew what it meant without any explanation from me. I felt us tune into each other and knew we were on the same frequency at this point. The pool was full now, surge just over and I decided to try and empty my bladder before the next surge. I went to the ensuite, three steps away, but another surge came. It was time to get in the pool. (1.15pm)
Meeting my baby…
When I got into the pool immediately the warm water made me feel immensely comfortable. I stayed on my knees and swayed my belly side to side. I felt the water swirl around me and it felt so good. Another surge and I lent forward, Oisin took up position behind me and continued to do double hip squeezes. They were getting harder to bare and I begged Oisin to “squeeze harder". I could feel my very strong husband struggle. But he squeezed harder.. “Owww that was a big one” I informed after it had passed. At this point I thought I was only getting started.. One of the midwives asked me if I was hungry and I wasn’t but I decided to try have something as I thought I better for energy as I didn’t know how long a journey I had ahead. I had a bite of the bagel but I didn’t manage to finish chewing it enough to swallow it before the next surge. This made me feel nauseous, having food in my mouth, during such a strong surge. So I had one more quick bite and decided to call it quits with the bagel.
The surges in the pool felt powerful and I felt my self being challenged. Soon all that was in my world was the water, my baby and Oisin. (Lúan had lost interest around a half hour before I had got in the pool and was happily watch Blaze on TV with his Auntie Tara in the sitting room) Throughout the time my midwife placed the Doppler discretely on my stomach to check how baby was doing after a surge. But I didn’t even pay much attention bar her giving me the nod that all was well. The whole time my midwives respected my want for as undisturbed birth as possible. I had not one VE during labour and my midwives made no suggestions to me on how to birth but they were there if I needed them. They held the space for me to experience birth on my terms and in my own power. They did not interfere or get impatient they just were present and calm. I felt so supported by them yet did not hardly known they were in the room. It all felt right and safe and important.
I worshipped the experience present and grateful.
A surge embraced me again as I lent into it, my contracting stomach submerging into the warm water. This time I felt that familiar feeling in my throat. As my first groan escaped my mouth. My midwives came calmly to inspect and I thought it was hardly time. I felt like I had just started to work. But one gave the other the nod and they started to get organised.
My first midwife directed for the first time. She told Oisin to go to my head and she took up position behind me. My second midwife closed the curtains gently. This was it. Oisin knelt in front of me and I snuggled into his chest, firmly grasping his biceps as another surge beckoned. As it took me I felt my body bear down and the primal reflex take over. A deep primal guttural roar clambered up as I directed my knees in and my feet out! My bum rose out of the water as I tried to remain submerged. As this passed I felt my baby go back in and I felt a slight pang of doubt. “fuck” I thought…” gas and air?” I thought… “this is it though Aisling your chance to feel it, purely and fully… but fuck…”
I then remembered that if I was thinking this that it was probably transition and baby was almost here. Before I could think for another millisecond I was pulled and drawn in again. Another low octave “jeesuuus" and groan pushed me forward and I bared down as I engaged in it to another level. I caught myself and reminded myself “breathe!...oxygen needs oxygen" I with purpose inhaled through my nose deeply and exhaled for as long as I could and did the same. If I did I felt a burst like splitting sensation and heat as my sons head slowly but then with a pop came out.
I felt the sweet surrender of my body relaxing and I thought “enjoy this now" as I rested I felt my baby maneuver into position, I felt two points of focus swirl which most of been his shoulders turning and as I noticed this the next surge took me. As my body contracted I breathed in deep and roared my most powerful roar releasing all my power and energy in one last vocal explosion. Then I felt with eyes popping wide, pupils dilated the final twist and release… He was here. (2.30pm)
“Catch your baby Aisling, Aisling! Between your legs, catch your baby.”
I came back into the room and realised what people were saying to me. I looked down and searched, there he was… his face…….his hands his body now on mine! Oisin revelling beside me kissing me and everything seemed quick as the adrenaline filled me with satisfaction and ecstasy.
We did it, I did it and Airle did it! He screamed his little cry and my ears filled with his sound. I was in love and once again a mother. I was silenced by privilege and astonished at what I had just done. It was hard, it challenged me, it took me away for a moment but it put back someone better, stronger and awake.
After…
After getting acquainted in the pool my midwife cut the cord, once it had stopped pumping and was white, and I got out of the pool with my baby and got up into bed. We cuddle skin to skin and he looked around his new world and we looked into his eyes as they explored. My placenta came (14.48pm) and my midwife checked me gently. No tears, uterus contracting. Oisin went and got Lúan. They came in and I saw his face as it discovered the new arrival. It was a mixture of love excitement and surprise. And we squeal whispered “oooowwww baby". We introduced Lúan and he inspected his new little brother and gave him the thumbs up. He then unromantically asked if he could go watch TV again. Airle started nuzzling, grabbing and clapping his lips together. He latched nice and quickly but not without a lot of improvement needed. (15.30pm).
We breastfed away latching and unlatching, making it work and getting to know one another. The latch was a little shallow but he fed and I was happy. Soon I felt hunger come over me so Oisin took Airle and had some skin to skin while I stuffed my face with that bagel I had left earlier and enjoyed a lovely cuppa and got into my lovely clean cooling “pyjamies". When we were happy the midwife checked Airle beside me and gave him the thumbs up also. I had a hug with each midwife and expressed my gratitude for their presence.
They hugged me back telling me well done and congratulating me and expressing how impressed they were by me. To say my head was big at this point is an understatement. Everything chilled out and my second midwife left and another hour or so passed and my first midwife said her goodbyes. (17.45pm) We just chilled out breastfeeding on and off, the pool had been emptied by my midwives and the room tidied up so I ventured to the sitting room while Oisin squared away the last few bits and our bedroom returned to normal as if nothing happened. We chilled on the couch that evening and spoke about what we did that day and celebrated together at how happy we were and how wonderful both our experience had been. It had all paid off and we were so grateful and in love - Aisling
